Reality in Concept
Friday, January 30, 2004
Fed Phone Home
Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented July 16, 1969, made it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles.
That why if you see a UFO, they arrest you, you kook!
Jenna Tries Out Center-of-Universe For Size
LOOP - In a rant list, famed author Jenna Miegheres was found to be asking questions that somehow make every road in the tri-state area (why always 3 states, why not 4?) paved directly to Arlington & Clark streets. Ergo,
1. Where is my link on your site? (me me me)
2. If I were French would you not hang out with me? (I am not at all French and have nothing to do with the French, but ME!)
3. Why are you so mean to me? (somehow buying ice-cream sandwich is like taking a dagger to the heart)
Jenna could not be contacted because of the awesome duties required in serving as the "all-being master of time, space and dimension"
Mark Your Calendar
We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does, so this Saturday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Surreal Compliments
- Hermaphrodites around the galaxy desire that you turn your rock and crochet bowl to its loudest setting.
- Your hair sends forth a sheen remniscent of a wounded man streaming bandage gauze from the highest church steeple.
- Your eyelids reflect and refract the turgid limnations of an eel trapped in the flickering paralysis of Chaplin's cinematography.
- I find your eye sockets to be a wondrous amusement park filled with neo-plastic pleasures and oncogenic delights.
Look Here
French not only got the Meter wrong - They hid their mistakes
The Arrogant French decided to take it upon themselves to make a measure for "all the people of the world" and went about it by appointing Delambre and Mechain to partake in the famed meridian expedition of 1792-1799 to calculate the length of the meter based upon the size of the Earth. The meter was to be one ten-millionth the distance from the pole to the equator.
Problem is, Mechain made a mistake in his calculations, StUpId! Which he then covered up, A$$hoLe!
Now the entire universe uses the screwed-up meter; its off by 0.2mm. Scientists has even further defined the meter more precisely:
"1,650,763.73 wavelengths in vacuum of the radiation corresponding to the transition between levels 2p10 and 5d5 of the krypton 86 atom."
Currently the meter has an estimated relative standard uncertainty of ± 2.5 x 10–11
Even with this mind-bending precision, it is still off by 0.2mm, THANKS FRENCHIES!
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
Helpful hints...
Do NOT lift girls into the air after the age of 31. I am sure about this one.
http://www.backpain.org/
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Fun in the snow
I was stuck. Stuck in my parking place, stuck in the Taco Bell parking lot. I floored the car, nothing was happening. Who knew that turning OFF traction control was a requirement for my humble stuck position.
Friday, January 16, 2004
I Heard This on the Howard Stern Show
Girl’s x-ray vision baffles scientists
Russian scientists have been unable to disprove a teenage girl who claims she has x-ray vision and can see inside human bodies. Doctors at Saransk’s children hospital carried out exhaustive tests on 16-year-old Natalia Demkina whose claims she has x-ray vision has gripped the Russian public.
But so far they have been unable to come up with a logical explanation for the vivid and detailed accounts she gives of what she sees when she looks inside the human body. —Ananova
Also:
Russian girl claims x-ray vision
MOSCOW, Jan. 15 (UPI) -- Moscow medical workers say a 16-year-old Russian girl possesses "dual vision" allowing her to see internal organs, Pravda reported.
Pravda said the girl, Natasha Demkina from Saransk, has already disproved several medical diagnoses without the benefit of x-rays or ultra-sound, and has not made any mistakes.
Sounds Like X-Men!
China - China - China
The new "internet stocks/tech boom" of the new milenium is China. My Cense, Henry Says to look at:
LFC - Life Insurance
BYH - Oil
PTR - Oil
SINA - Net
CHINA - China.com
CBA - Auto, busses
Hmmm. Or I should just buy this instead. What's a Doobs to do?
Be Careful With Your Smart-Talk
A recent article in Pop Sci reminded me of the fact that too many arm-chair intellectuals think they can spew the techno-babble like the best of 'em by asserting concepts like the HEISENBERG Uncertainty Principle. Even seemingly smart and technical people think it means that the act of measuring something changes its properties. Like if a reporter is in the room, the story people will tell is now different. Sorry genius, the theory only deals with atomic and sub-atomic particles: you cannot know its location and velocity at the same time - furthermore once you determine its location, you can never know where it just was. But the remarkable thing about Heisenberg's theory is that it challenges everything we consider factual about the nature of reality. That something (a particle) must be somewhere, but its location exists as a probability of locations - essentially throughout the universe.
How did this widely-held "smart talk" become a misnomer? Let me translate the following quotes everyone has heard a million times:
"We will be landing momentarily" = We will land the plane, and then take right back off again. Momentarily means for just a moment - not "in a moment"....
"Tell me what transpired during the meeting" = I want to know what leaked out of the room or escaped through the cracks in the room.
Transpired means to leak out of - not the meaning virtually everybody thinks it is.
Whether at a party or in a high-level meeting - its best to stay in the shallow end lest you get a big gulp full of chlorinated water for your boldness.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Two valuable Prius lessons learned today
1. Don't leave the key in the ignition over the weekend - you will drain the aux battery to 4.5V.
2. If you drain the battery, you cannot normally open the rear hatch to charge said drained battery! You must crawl in the back and stick a screw driver in the latch mechanism. Jeeze!
"Technology makes our life more convenient" - anonymous (anonymous jerk)
Friday, January 09, 2004
French Good For Something
On Clark St. just North of Fullerton is a little Crêpe (not crap) restaurant that looks like it is owned and operated by a French dude. The guy is short and dark-haired and apparently has a liking to wicker furniture. I am sure he had hopes and dreams of a better life in America with his superior knowledge of fine cuisine. The little "dunce hat" creations were quite yummy. Even though that rancid stuff they call Brie cheese looks like a rabid, infectious surface wound; someone a long time ago decided it was food.
